after a month anything with tits is on the radar
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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