I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize