I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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