My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
