I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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