i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
