go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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