google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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