Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
