I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
did i just pee glitter
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
