How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
