My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She needs sedatives and a leash
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
