He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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