I'm eating all of the evidence.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
