HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize