this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
