ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
