you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
