is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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