Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
