Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
