I could have mohawked her pubes.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
