Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
