Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
