? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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