can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
