I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
