It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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