mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
