She is in my trunk
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
