wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
