You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
