Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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