Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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