I must be too annoying 4 u.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
