my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Sex in the backyard? Check.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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