I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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