Im at strip club and am horny
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
organizing the empties. That sober.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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