I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The uberlube is also flammable
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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