she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
All the doctor said was why
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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