So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
