So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
As shirtless as possible
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize