a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
