the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My vagina is very pro this idea
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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