I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Michael Bay diarrhea
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
