Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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