i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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