You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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