i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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