morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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