Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have aggressive nipples.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
