Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
