Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
