the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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