please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
