My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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