The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize