i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
