saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize