It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
